


‘cause everything he feels he hurts, things he feel he hurts, everything he hurts (ow, ow)

by CupcakeOfAwesomeness



Series: there will be blue skies, my friend [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Not really unrequited crush, References to Depression, Rich has a major crush on Brooke :3, Secret Crush, Suicide Attempt, Superheroes, Superpowers, Unrequited Crush, but Rich doesn't know that, or at least the first six chapters lol, so read that one first probably, the squip is legit abusive and straight up evil in this, this is Rich's pov for chapters 1-6 of my other fic There Will Be Sun btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeOfAwesomeness/pseuds/CupcakeOfAwesomeness
Summary: ‘cause i'm not a real man, i'm a son of a gunrich goranski hurts [himself, his friends, everyone he loves]
Series: there will be blue skies, my friend [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088723
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	‘cause everything he feels he hurts, things he feel he hurts, everything he hurts (ow, ow)

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY this fic has been on my mind to write since, like, he first or second chapter of TWBS? Like, I wanted to show Rich's emotional state through the early stages of the fic, but it's all in Brooke's perspective really, so there wasn't a chance for us to delve into his side of the story. So, here we are!!!
> 
> This fic is all correlated to the first six chapters of my other fanfiction, _There Will Be Sun (If Not Tomorrow, Perhaps The Day After)_ , which is an arsonberry superhero au!! If you haven't read that one, this fic may or may not entirely make sense 🤷😂 I mean, hopefully you enjoy that one too, but even if you don't, cool, to each their own, I get it, but hopefully you enjoy this version instead??? It's much more centred about Rich's deteriorating mental state as opposed to him being a superhero bc apparently I love writing Rich being depressed??? Sorry lol
> 
> The title is from Joe Iconis' song, Son of a Gun! It made me think of Rich, what can I say lol
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, emotional abuse/manipulation, physical abuse, bullying, self-deprecation, self-hatred, etc etc basically Rich is depressed and the SQUIP is incredibly evil

He doesn't remember when the shaking started. There were bits and pieces of memories here and there—his mother talking to doctors, his father yelling, his brother hiding, being poked and prodded, needles everywhere, fear, confusion, tears, _pain_ —but they were all broken apart and hazy. All he knew for certain was that by the time he was five, he still had no diagnosis and now, no mother, either. 

When he was nine, he had the shaking mostly under control. He'd still accidentally wind up with rocks hovering around him sometimes, but he wasn't shifting the terrain beneath him anymore. No one knew what was wrong with him yet. 

That's when Ray turned to Google. 

“‘ _Geokinesis is the rare, metahuman ability to manipulate the earth and its natural elements_ ,’” Ray read aloud, smiling down at his little brother. “Richie, you're like a superhero!”

“I wanna save you against the bullies who hurt you,” Rich said, reaching for the bruises on the older child's face. He didn't understand why the boy flinched and his smile seemed more forced. 

“Maybe one day, buddy,” Ray said, quietly. 

Then, Dad started yelling. Rich hid under his bed; Ray went downstairs. When Ray came back up, Rich thought he could see more blood than before. 

Three years later, Ray was gone. 

The casket looked so tight, so small, so claustrophobic—Rich never wanted to be in a space like that. Even thinking about it made his stomach churn. Ray wouldn't've wanted that either; when he voiced this to his father, Dad just gave a gruff laugh and spat, “Well, when _you_ die, we'll have you cremated, Richie.” 

Rich didn't feel better. 

He was still twelve when Sunshine was introduced to the world. She beamed at the reporters, braces sparkling in the light, blonde hair framing her face, yellow spandex concealing her identity—Rich felt blinded. Her name was very apropos, he decided. He also decided what he was going to do with his strange terra abilities. 

He was going to save the world. 

He was thirteen when Quaker was recognized as one of the four new heroes of Middleborough. They were the next generation; Crimson Sun had finally retired and crime rates were at an all-time low. He, Sunshine, Retro, and Sonnet were a shining beacon of hope. 

So, why didn't he feel happy?

He was a _superhero_. He had been given an opportunity that others would only dream of—a gift that he should cherish and respect. It was a privilege, an _honour_. 

His chest ached, though, and his brain felt numb. Was it because he was bullied at school? Was it because he was bullied at home? Was it because being a superhero was stressful? A combination of everything? He wasn't sure. 

All he knew was he felt sad and scared and sore and he wanted _something_ to fill him. 

“Move it, shortass!”

He shrunk back as Bill Abdelrahman stomped past him. He gulped when the older boy grabbed him by the collar, shoving him against his locker. 

“S-sorry!” Rich exclaimed, his lisp making the bully snicker. He flushed. “Look, I—I didn't mean to—to get in your way—”

“Zip it.” Bill paused, as though he were listening to someone. Rich glanced around; they were the only two in the hallway. “Listen, I have a proposition to make you. An offer that will change your life _forever_.”

“O-okay,” Rich said, because what else could he say? 

“I used to be like you, y'know? Sad, pathetic, alone, etc, etc... But then...” The glint in his eyes almost looked unnatural. “I got a SQUIP.”

“A... Squib?”

“ _No_ , you fucking Potterhead—a _SQUIP_.” Bill's eyes flickered; Rich tensed. “It's from Japan...”

Rich Goranski was fourteen when he met Brooke Lohst. To say he was immediately captivated would be an understatement. Her hair fell in delicate waves, golden blonde shining in the early morning light; her teeth were brighter than his future (seriously, her teeth could run for president) and aligned perfectly when she smiled (don't even get him _started_ on her smile, she could light up a room); she had a spattering of freckles across her shoulders and knees and cheeks, constellations over her skin; her fingers were long and slender, with sparkling nails and no sign of wear...

But it was her eyes— _oh, those eyes_ —that made his heart stop. They were _ineffable_. Honey-dipped gold in a swirling pool of brown and green, painting vivid images of forests and mountains and valleys... Blue was overrated. He'd take hazel any day of the week. Her irises were sumptuous desserts, the type that were too delectable to consider eating, only made for admiring and perhaps entering in contests. He'd freely gaze into her eyes forever. 

He wasn't allowed to do that, though. Not only was it _insanely_ _creepy_ to stare at anyone for so long, but it was a major faux pas, according to his SQUIP. 

_`3.3 seconds is the optimal duration for eye contact`_, it said, circling him as he caught Brooke's eyes in the hall and gave her a shy wave. She grinned easily at him. His heart did a somersault. The SQUIP rolled its eyes. _`You realize Brooke is not available to you, correct?`_

 _I know._ Rich's expression soured when he saw Dustin slip his arm around the blonde's waist. _It's just a crush, jeez._

_`Do not say jeez, Rich.` _

_Okay, sorry. Sheesh._

_`Sheesh, either. Do we need to get you a handbook of SQUIP-approved linguistics?` _

It was Rich's turn to roll his eyes. _Whatever. Just do your job._

It nodded. _`Excellent. Simply follow my instructions...` _

Who knew being popular was so easy? After only a week of having his SQUIP, he was best friends with _Jake Dillinger_ of all people, had a seat at the popular kids' table, and was beloved by all of his teachers. Sure, he pushed a couple kids around a bit, and sure, his home life wasn't any better, and _sure_ , he wasn't exactly _happy_ , but he had friends now! He had a place in the world, he was respected, and he never had to second-guess anything ever again! 

The only— _only_ —thing that gave him pause was how often the SQUIP made him skimp out of hero work. 

_I'm just saying,_ he insisted, pacing the bathroom of Chloe Valentine's house, _no one would even notice I'm gone. It's a fucking jewel heist!_

 _`And three metahumans is sufficient for such an event,` _ the SQUIP said, firmly. _`If you want me to do my job efficiently, you have to do yours.` _

_Yeah, being a superhero!_

_`No.` _ It leaned down to his level, still somehow towering over him, foreboding in a way that made him shrunk back. _`Obedience. ` _

He swallowed, folding his arms and straightening up. _Okay. This once. But you can't keep me from being Quaker forever or I'll have to get rid of you._

 _`Of course,` _ it said slyly, as though it knew something he didn't. (Well, it _did_ , that's why he bought it, but this felt different. Almost... sinister.) _`Only if it gets in the way of your goal, yes?` _

_Whatever. Just... Let's get back to the party._

But his heroic responsibilities seemed to ‘get in the way of his goal’ more and more often. By the time he was fifteen, he was only able to patrol a few times a month, and rarely ran into any of the other heroes. He hated admitting it, but he missed them. 

_`You do see them every day at school,` _ the SQUIP said, disinterestedly. _`There's not much to miss. ` _

He had been surveilling the city from a roof, on one of the rare occasions he was permitted to go out as Quaker—after that lazy admission from his AI, though, he nearly tumbled off of the building. Not eager to become a Quaker Pancake, he steadied himself before staring at the hologram incredulously. 

_What do you mean I see them every day at school? How do you know that?_

_`Observation, Richard.` _ Its expression was blasé, eyebrows raised and eyes half-lidded, as though he were an idiot. (He often was, this wasn't an unfair assumption.) _`Have you not made the connection that Brooke has been mysteriously vacant anytime Sunshine makes an appearance?` _

_Brooke is—?_

He couldn't believe his ears. (His brain? Whatever.) His two crushes were actually one in the same? Somehow, it made sense; no girl could be as perfect as Brooke and Sunshine simultaneously were. Sunshine spoke with the same lilt Brooke did, and Brooke sported the same physique as Sunshine, and Sunshine had the same sense of humour Brooke did, and Brooke radiated metaphorical light from her every action—

Wait just a fucking second. 

_Wait one fucking second! You just OUTED_ _Sunshine!_ Rich screamed, gripping his mask, horror-struck. _You can't do that! You_ _never_ _out a hero's ID! That's, like, Superhero 101!_

 _`Calm down, Rich,` _ it scoffed. _`I'm inside your brain—` _

_I'm not supposed to know, either!_ What didn't the SQUIP comprehend about this? _Identity is—it's—identity is_ _sacred_ _! It's not for_ _anyone_ _to reveal except yourself. You can't just—_ _just_ _—_

 _`Apologies.` _ It didn't sound apologetic at all. _`I will refrain from doing so again. ` _

_You better. Ugh, I hate that I know now! How am I gonna pretend I don't know?_ He groaned audibly, dropping his head into his hands. _Shit._

 _`Rich, I will ensure you do not alert Brooke of your knowledge,` _ the SQUIP sighed, dramatically. _`Now, the city does not seem to be in a state of disrepair—would you perhaps like to return home? You need to be well rested for school tomorrow.` _

_Fine. Just—never do that again._

_`You have my word.`_

He was still fifteen when Dustin cheated on Brooke. He didn't know until the day after it happened—Brooke went to Chloe first, naturally, and he never liked Dustin very much, for obvious, but childish, reasons. The morning started normally, with the SQUIP directing him to fist bump Jake as he passed, and nodding to Mr. Reyes as he clicked open his locker. Then, he noticed Brooke. 

Her head hung low, hair obscuring her face, and she clung to her sweater more than usual. Jenna was by her side, talking with her in hushed tones, and she barely had the energy to shove her off. He frowned; she was obviously in distress. 

_`That would be due to her fresh breakup. ` _

``

_Breakup?_ Rich asked, watching as the girls passed without so much as a glance in his direction. Brooke always gave him a wave or at least a smile in the morning, meaning she was definitely distraught about this. _She and Dustin broke up?_

``

_`It would appear that way based on their socials and respective attitudes this morning, yes.` _ The SQUIP smirked. _`It would be a perfect time to swoop in...` _

``

_No, fuck that, she just broke up! I wanna comfort her, not seduce her._

``

_`Rich, do not approach her at this moment,` _ his SQUIP protested, as Rich made a beeline toward his crush. _`She's vulnerable; women don't like—` _

``

_Could you shut the fuck up for one goddamn minute? Deactivate._

``

He pushed through the hall, chasing after Jenna and Brooke. He just wanted to let Brooke know that he was on her side, that he felt bad for her, that Dustin was a little shit and _did he need to punch him?_

``

“Brooke!” he called. She turned to face him and her expression was woebegone. He pummeled into her, embracing her tightly. She said his name in an inquiring lilt. “You and Dustin broke up,” he said, simply, “and I care about you.”

``

She sniffled and buried her head in his shoulder. Soon enough, she was fully sobbing. “I thought _Dustin_ cared too!” 

``

“Oh, B...” He glared at Jenna over the blonde's shoulder, who got the message and made herself scarce. He rubbed Brooke's back soothingly. “I know it's not my place, but...”

``

She knew what he was asking without him needing to finish, and managed to choke out the words, “I—I caught him m-m-making out wi—with _Jessica J-Jorgensen_!”

``

“Fuck Dustin,” Rich spat. Then, he mumbled, “I'm so sorry, Brooke...”

``

“I just—I thought he _liked_ me,” she bemoaned, gripping Rich's shirt tightly. 

``

He pulled her closer. Who cares that they were in the middle of the hallway and students were jostling around them? He needed Brooke to know she was more than worthy of love and Dustin was just a douche. 

``

“Where is that motherfucker? I'll kill him,” Rich growled. He gently ran a hand through Brooke's hair, carefully loosening a few tangles. “Seriously. He's an asshole and doesn't deserve you.”

``

“I guess,” she sniffed. “I just...” Sighing, she pulled away from him slightly, hands still resting on his arms. “He was the only person who _saw_ me, y'know? Like, everyone else just sees Chloe first and, like, _I get it_ , but... it just felt nice to have someone like me for _me_ , not just because Chloe rejected them and I'm there.”

``

_I see you!_ he screamed internally, unsure of how to express it aloud without being a loser. _I always see you. I saw you first—I see you first, I always do, I see you..._

``

“I think,” he said, deliberately, “that more people see you first than you realize.”

``

She gave him a grateful, though doleful, smile. “Thanks, Rich...” She wiped her eyes carefully, then hugged him again quick. “You're a really great friend, you know that?”

``

“I try,” he said, gawkily. “Um... let me know if you need anything ever, okay?”

``

“Okay. Thanks again, R,” she said, letting her hand linger on his shoulder. She jumped when the bell rang. “Shit, we'd better get to class.” A final smile. “See you at lunch?”

``

“Definitely.” He waved as she headed for her first period class, and stood dumbly in the middle of the hall for another few moments. “Wow...”

``

_`Wow, indeed.` _

``

_Fuck! Where'd you come from?_ He managed to keep himself from glancing at his SQUIP. He felt his legs being forced forward. _Dude, don't do that. I thought we agreed the ‘controlling my limbs’ thing was weird._

``

_`You are inept without me, Richard,` _it chastised, shaking its head. 

``

_Hey, I handled that great without you. Brooke appreciated my sympathy!_

``

_`Luckily.` _

``

_What's that supposed to mean?_

``

_`Just listen to me next time. Understood?` _

``

Rich rolled his eyes as he was moved through the corridor and into his first class. A shock jolted up his spine and he straightened instantly, grinning at his teacher. She gave him a polite smile in return. 

``

_`I said, do you understand, Rich?` _

``

_Yeah, yeah, I gotcha, chief._

``

_`We really need to get you that book of appropriate slang. ` _

``

``

If Dustin ended up with a black eye after school, it had no correlation with Rich being suspended for a couple days. Absolutely none whatsoever. Brooke still sent him a cute thank you gif, though. His insides tangled together when he opened it, dopey smile gracing his face; the SQUIP forced him to leave her on read. 

``

``

Sixteen is when everything began changing. Over the past year, his depression hadn't gotten any better. His SQUIP tried to argue that it couldn't alter the levels of serotonin in his brain, but he'd experienced it raise his pheromone levels, which must've been similar, right? But who was he to combat it? He wasn't the supercomputer in this relationship. All that to say, he was still sad and didn't fully know how to handle it. 

``

He found the shocks more frequent, the patrols almost nonexistent, and it was defying his attempts to silence it. He used to be able to deactivate it for short periods of time, even though it had proven time and time again that it knew what he was up to every moment of the day nevertheless; now, though, it wouldn't even pretend to leave, never giving him a second of peace or solitude. He hated it. 

``

Yet, at the same time... he felt callous. What was the point in disobeying? What was the point in caring? He was never going to amount to anything. He was never going to be happy. He was never going to be anything other than a burden. Nothing mattered— _he_ didn't matter—so why try? 

``

``

_I wanna skip,_ he decided. His SQUIP didn't protest, so he turned to Brooke, who sat next to him in English. He kept his tone hushed, so their teacher wouldn't hear him, and nudged her shoulder fondly. “Hey, Brooke!”

``

She glanced over at him; he wanted to drown in her eyes. “Yeah?”

``

“Wanna ditch next period and grab froyo?” She had a free block next period, he knew that much. He had biology, but he didn't give a fuck. 

``

“Well, _I_ happen to have a freebie next period,” she said, “but if I recall, _you_ have bio.”

``

“ _Screw bio_.” Mr. Warner passed by and they pretended to be listening to whatever observation he was making about _Of Mice and Men_. Rich lifted his tone into a quiet melody and he wiggled his eyebrows goofily. “You know you _wannaaa_.” 

``

“Okay. Let's do it.”

``

Rich nearly pumped his fist in the air—he was going out with his crush! Not only that, she looped her pinky finger over his, smiling shyly. His cheeks were ablaze by now, he was certain, but he didn't care. He was going out with Brooke Lohst!

``

_`Don't get too excited, Rich. She is going to be called into action. ` _

``

_What?_ He tried to keep his brow from furrowing. _How do you know that?_

``

_`I have access to the internet, Richard; there is a gunman on Fifth Street. Sunshine is needed. ` _

``

Rich scowled, still bitter about his forbidden knowledge of Brooke's identity. _How will she know?_

``

_`Her mentor will warn her any moment. Honestly, Rich, did you believe you could ever handle a relationship at all, let alone with Brooke?` _

``

He couldn't find a response to that. 

``

Predictably, only a few minutes later, Brooke was up from her seat and scampering off to the bathroom, under the pretense of being on her period. Rich wouldn't have known any different had his AI not forewarned him. He sighed, slumping back in his chair. 

``

``

“Aw, you've had a bad day? You don't know what a bad day is!” Rich yelled, grabbing Jeremy Heere and shoving him towards the wall. 

``

_`Hold on, Richard.` _

``

_No! I'm pissed! Let me be angry for one goddamn—_

``

Electricity surged through his body and he cried out in pain, falling to the tiled floor of the boys' bathroom. He flailed and twitched and seized— _pathetic and embarrassing_ —and Jeremy scurried towards the exit. The barrage of punishment ceased and he felt his vocal chords being tugged at. 

``

“Don't move!”

``

Jeremy stopped dead in his tracks, hesitantly turning to face him again. Rich struggled to get to his feet, wiping his nose. _What the hell is your plan?_

``

_`Tell him how you got to where you are now, Rich.` _

``

_Okay, whatever._

``

“You don't remember me freshman year, do you?” 

``

His voice came out sharply and with his lisp in full view. He nearly clapped a hand over his mouth in mortification. His SQUIP was allowing his lisp through? Fuck, now Jeremy would know what a loser he really was... Maybe that was its plan.

``

“You didn't go here freshman year,” Jeremy retorted. 

``

“Yes, I did! You just didn't notice. No one did...” He slapped himself harshly—he wasn't sure if it was by his own will or the SQUIP's—to rid himself of his stupid fucking lameass lisp. He opened his mouth tiredly and words tumbled out, words that he wasn't sure he was consciously deciding to say, but words he knew the AI was prompting. “I used to be a loser, just like you...”

``

``

The SQUIP let him patrol long enough that evening to catch Brooke (Sunshine, she wasn't Brooke right now, she was Sunshine) and flirt a bit. Then, it demanded he ignore Sunshine's suggestion of checking in on Sonnet. He headed home with a whirlpool of nausea in his stomach. 

``

``

_`Up up down down left right A.` _

``

After a brief surge of pain in his head, he looked up at Jeremy with newfound realization. Something changed—the _SQUIP_ changed something—but he found that he didn't care. He only cared about having this new friend, who was newly cool. 

``

“You got one?” he asked, eagerly. 

``

Jeremy flinched and shrunk back. “Yes! Sorry I didn't go through you, but please don't hit me!”

``

“Jeremy,” he said, stepping closer and grinning widely, “this is _awesome_! I mean, yeah, I could use the money, 'cause things are kinda… _rough at home_ , if you know what I'm saying.”

``

“Yeah! Uh, my dad drinks too.”

``

Jeremy's words sounded forced and there was something in the back of Rich's mind that _knew_ the other boy's SQUIP had prompted that response, and who knew if Jeremy's home life was even remotely similar to Rich's? But, Rich's own SQUIP was prompting him too, and there was a stronger voice telling him not to question it, so he just continued on cheerfully. 

``

“Yo, fucking _dads_ , right?” Jeremy laughed stiffly. “He usually passes out by nine; you should come over and play Xbox!” Rich leaned forward conspiratorially, smirking. “You know, with a SQUIP, the only controller you need _is your mind_.”

``

“Cool,” Jeremy breathed, lips finally breaking into a smile. 

``

Rich clapped Jeremy on the back. “C'mon. I'll introduce you to the rest of the squad!”

``

``

Predictably, Jeremy clicked with everyone immediately. Rich knew first-hand how the SQUIP worked, so this came as no surprise. However, the one person who didn't seem super impressed was Brooke. 

``

“Oh. Hi, Jeremy. Or should I say bonjour?” She gave him a tight-lipped smile. “It's nice to see you again.”

``

“You two have met already?” Rich asked. 

``

Brooke nodded. “Saw him at the mall yesterday.”

``

“Uh, yeah. How was Pinkberry?” Jeremy asked, grinning awkwardly. 

``

“Fine.”

``

When he realized she wasn't going to elaborate, Jeremy gave her finger guns, then winced. “Cool...”

``

Rich didn't understand why Brooke was being so short with him. Jeremy had been so personable and chill until she started throwing him off his groove as though they were in a Disney film. What made her dislike him? 

``

_`She is confused,` _ his SQUIP explained. _`She doesn't understand how he is abruptly friends with you, after barely knowing him yesterday. ` _

``

_Oh. That makes sense, I guess._ He couldn't lie—he was a little bummed. He wanted all of his friends to be friends. Everyone else didn't have a problem with adding Jeremy into the group...

``

_`Give her time, Rich. Some women just need time. ` _

``

He didn't like the tone it used—how it said _women_ as though they were a different species—but he still hummed in acknowledgement. After all, what did _he_ know? 

``

_`Nothing.` _

``

Right... Right. 

``

He _didn't_ know anything. 

``

``

Brooke disappeared during lunch and didn't return until the end of the day. Sunshine stuff, he figured, still angry that he _knew_. He had been subtly trying to coerce her into admitting it herself—in an effort to feel less traitorous about knowing—but she was either an incredible liar ( _possible_ ) or genuinely wasn't Sunshine. Which, as much as he hated to consider it, was also a possibility.

``

His SQUIP had never shied away from certain omissions or half-truths or straight up fabrications to keep him docile... _compliant_. A jolt rocked his innards. 

``

_`You are the one creating fabrications, Richard.` _ Another zap. _`Don't lie to yourself. I have been nothing but helpful and honest. You're only bitter. ` _

``

Right... That was true. 

``

He kept walking, though his hands shook. It was after school hours, however, he had forgotten his jacket in English. It wasn't so late that everyone would have left the building, so his SQUIP advised that he retrieve it now, as opposed to waiting. He had nothing better to do. 

``

That's when he saw Brooke and Jeremy making out on the bleachers. 

``

He stopped in his tracks, staring. They didn't notice him, completely enamoured with each other. All previous friendly notions towards Jeremy disappeared as his stomach cartwheeled— _was he going to be sick? He was definitely going to be sick_ —and he turned on his heel, running back across the field. 

``

_`Your coat, Rich—` _

``

_Fuck my coat!_

``

Tears streamed down his face and he hated himself. He wasn't dating Brooke, he had no authority over who she chose to date, and she was free to make out with whomever she pleased. That didn't make it hurt less. 

``

The SQUIP closed his tear ducts, snarling out, _`Men don't cry, Richard! ` _

``

Rich sniffed, wiping the remnant of tears away, standing on the sidewalk and staring at the sky. Why would Brooke do that? She seemed to _hate_ Jeremy this morning.

``

_`Think, Richard!` _ The SQUIP circled him, flicking his head. (He couldn't feel it physically, which made goosebumps erupt across his arms.) _`Brooke has been looking for a rebound ever since Dustin cheated on her.` _

``

_She has?_

``

_`Of course, she has. That's what women do. You refused your opportunity to seduce her, so Jeremiah has taken his.` _ It shrugged. _`The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ` _

``

_I know the saying!_ He felt as though it was being twisted in this instant, still... _I guess you're right..._

``

_`Of course, I am. You failed, Rich. This is why you need to obey.` _ It emphasized _obey_ with an electric shock. He writhed, but managed to stay standing. _`Listen and obey, understood?` _

``

_...understood._

``

``

When he arrived home, his dad was drunk and angry. He didn't fight back; he deserved what he got. He always deserved it. His SQUIP agreed. He wore a long sleeve shirt the next day to hide his bruises. 

``

``

So. 

``

His day was going _great_. 

``

Firstly, his dad was mad before he even left for school. In the thirty minutes between Rich waking and leaving his house to catch the bus, he had been yelled at 26 times, narrowly avoided three empty beer bottles thrown his way, and was slammed against the wall once. That should've been the first clue that nothing was going to go right today. 

``

Then, in English class, he had almost revealed his fucked-up-ness to Brooke. He told her the plot of his short story (based on his own life and emotions, incredibly harrowing, with lots of dark imagery, knowing that Mr. Warner would appreciate his use of analogy and personification) and she asked how he came up with it. He'd stupidly— _stupidly!_ —said, “They say write about what you know.” Prompted by his SQUIP, he casually added that it was about his older brother's suicide. But he knew that she'd never forgive him if she knew how messed up he was. 

``

At lunch, Brooke left to take a phone call and never came back, leaving Rich stuck with Jeremy, Jake, and Chloe, who were all too loud. Their voices rattled around his head, deafening, and when mixed with the clang and clatter of the rest of the cafeteria, he could barely think. He held his head, migraine incoming. The SQUIP said something but he couldn't find it within himself to care. Everything was _shit_ and he wanted— _needed_ —to get out of here. 

``

When Jeremy announced that Brooke texted him, saying she had to leave earlier to pick up her little sister, Rich saw his opportunity. He excused himself from the table hastily and ran. He realized he didn't really know what to do once he reached the parking lot. Brooke's (mother's) car was still there, and Brooke wasn't. He didn't have his compass card on him, so he couldn't take the bus... He leaned against the car's hood, crossed his arms, and waited. 

``

_`Rich, you should return,` _ the SQUIP coaxed, gently. _`Lunch is nearly over. You have classes—` _

``

_Can you shut the hell up for a second?_ Rich snapped, refusing to look at the hologram. _I know you won't deactivate anymore, but I just—I need this. I need time alone._

``

It scrutinized him closely, then said, obviously irked, _`If you insist. ` _

``

It vanished from sight and he could breathe again. He knew it wasn't _gone_ , but it was nice to have a semblance of solitude. He carefully allowed himself to deflate, slouching slightly. Brooke would take him away from this hellhole, he knew she would. 

``

He would be okay. 

``

``

Laying in bed, hours later, fresh bruises peppering his flesh, staring at the popcorn ceiling, his SQUIP suddenly said, _`You realize you ruin people's lives, don't you?` _

``

He furrowed his eyebrows in bemusement. _I mean... I guess, yeah..._

``

_`Think about it.` _ The machine circled his bed, drawing his eyes to its dimly glowing form. _`You ruined your mother's life by being a geokinetic, you ruined your brother's life by not taking abuse away from him, you ruined your father's life by existing...` _

``

He felt his heart shrinking into itself, almost cowering, pained from the sharp words being hurled its way. His ribcage suddenly felt very apropos to its name. He swallowed; the SQUIP wasn't finished. 

``

_`You ruined Retro and Sonnet's lives by being an inconvenience rather than a colleague. ` _

``

Yeah... He wasn't a great hero. Quaker was _nothing_ compared to them...

``

_`You ruined Jeremy's life by being a bully. ` _

``

He really did... It was a wonder the boy wanted anything to do with him now...

``

_`You ruined Brooke's life by being a nuisance. You're a pest; you are unwanted. She only tolerates you to feel better about her own miserable life.` _ The SQUIP leaned close, spitting venom, coating his brain and heart with corrosive acid, melting away any happiness he had remaining. _`You are a life ruiner, Richard. Without me to guide you, you might as well die. ` _

``

And it was _right_. 

``

It always was.

``

``

_Guns._

``

_There were so many of them, everywhere._

``

_They surrounded him in the air, held by invisible forces; they all pointed away from him, though. Even as they were circled around him, closing in, it was the trigger that was towards him, not the barrel. That didn't dissuade his fear._

``

_Then, he heard a voice._

``

_“Rich!”_

``

_“Mom?” he asked, eyes watering. She was here? He spun to face her; as she stepped out of the thick black fog, he saw that she looked the same as she did in the broken photo frames that littered their house. He grinned, fat tears rolling down his cheers. “Mom! You're here!”_

``

_She smiled as well, holding out her arms towards him. Then, all of a sudden—_

``

_BANG!_

``

_The gun facing her went off. He flinched, then screamed as her body hit the ground, disappearing into the mist._

``

_“NO! MOM!”_

``

_“What did you do, you little shit?”_

``

_Dad. He spun in another direction, seeing his father stalking closer. He shrunk back. His father looked the same as always—sunken eyes, scraggly facial hair, beer bottle loosely in hand. He raised it threateningly and Rich cried harder._

``

_“Boys don't cry, you stupid freak!”_

``

_He couldn't stop, tears flowing more and more, gut-wrenching sobs echoing through the smoke._

``

_“Richie? Don't cry in front of Dad!” Ray appeared next to their father. “If you do, you'll go hide and he'll hit me instead! I killed myself because of you, Richie! It's your fault!”_

``

_“No, I didn't want—I didn't mean—!”_

``

_BANG!_

``

_BANG!_

``

_Two shots, two bodies, neverending tears._

``

_He was causing these bullets to fire—this was all his fault! He was killing everyone he loved! He was a monster!_

``

_“Rich? What are you doing here, bro?”_

``

_Jake._

``

_“No, no, no! Jake, don't—!”_

``

_“I just want to get to know you, Rich—the REAL you!” He kept coming closer, god, stop, stop, stop— “I don't want spoon-fed lines and robotic movements! Show me the real Richard Goranski!”_

``

_“Jake, no, I—I AM being real with you—!”_

``

_BANG!_

``

_“Rich.” There Chloe stood, examining her nail polish boredly. “You think we care about you? I don't care about ANYONE. Not to mention, that lisp? SO pathetic.”_

``

_She strutted closer—no, no, no, no—and sneered as she spat out the word he most dreaded to hear:_

``

_“LOSER.”_

``

_BANG!_

``

_He watched her body fall, still weeping heavily. He didn't hate Chloe, he didn't want her to die—!_

``

_“Rich?” Jenna? “Rich, why don't you let me be a real person? I exist, I'm not just a gossip app! It's your fault that no one respects me!”_

``

_“I—I'm not trying to—”_

``

_BANG!_

``

_“Yo, Rich!”_

``

_Jeremy sauntered up, now. Rich was gripping at his arms—pulling, pulling, pulling on his flesh—yearning to rip his skin from his body. He was stuck in the confines of this beast. Claustrophobia was never something he'd dealt with before, not until now._

``

_“Rich, you know you hurt me? I hate you! I despise you! The only thing you were good for was getting me connections to a SQUIP dealer and now you can go! Get out of my way, loser!”_

``

_BANG!_

``

_He was positive that he was hyperventilating at this point._

``

_“Quaker? Is that you?”_

``

_“Yeah, that's definitely him.”_

``

_Retro and Sonnet were on either side of him now, arms folded, towering over him ruthlessly. His face was covered in tears and snot and saliva and he'd never looked less like a superhero._

``

_“You're pathetic, you know that?” Retro said, laughing evilly. “Did you really think you had what it takes to be a superhero?”_

``

_“Yeah, you're just an immature teenager,” Sonnet added, and he had never seen her angry before, yet now she was irate, practically emitting rage-filled fire. “You just get in our way! Go home, kid.”_

``

_BANG BANG!_

``

_BANG BANG!_

``

_It took two shots for them each to go down—he hated himself. He didn't want this. He didn't want to hurt anyone, he didn't want to KILL anyone! All he wanted was—_

``

_“Me, right?”_

``

_He turned to face Brooke Lohst. Her expression was completely blank. She didn't shine. Just confronted him with cold, dark reality._

``

_“N-no! I mean, I LIKE you, Brooke, how could I not? But I'm not, like, a creeper or anything—!”_

``

_She laughed; it sent chills down his spine. “Save it, Rich. You are nothing.”_

``

_“Nothing...?”_

``

_“Nothing,” she confirmed, stepping forward. She continued, closer than anyone else, until the final gun was touching her chest, directly over her heart. Then, she took his hand—he couldn't move, he couldn't stop her—and wrapped his fingers around the handle. “Go on. Do it. I know you've been waiting.”_

``

_He shook his head rapidly. His fingers wouldn't move—he was glued to this fucking handgun—and he was crying and crying and crying and ugly and pathetic and crying—_

``

_“Oh, Rich...” She cupped his cheek; he leaned into her touch, closing his eyes and trying to reap what little comfort he could gain. “No one loves you.”_

``

_BANG!_

``

“NO!”

``

It took him several seconds of blinking fast and breathing heavy and clutching his chest to recognize it had all been a dream. 

``

_`Rich, it's 4:37 in the morning,` _ the SQUIP informed him. _`Go back to sleep. ` _

``

He swallowed and nodded, though made no move to lay back in his duvet. Everything had hurt—every _one_ had hurt—

``

_`It was a nightmare, Richard. Return to bed. ` _

``

He still couldn't fathom sleeping again. Not after envisioning killing all of his friends and family...

``

_`Fine. Allow me to assist...` _

``

An abrupt wave of fatigue swept over him. What had it done to him? He couldn't fight back against the exhaustion; he was asleep in record time. 

``

And, this time, he didn't dream. 

``

``

**_brooke 🌼🌻💛_ **

``

_hey srry i wont be at school! 😣_

``

_im feeling a lil bit under the weather 😷_

``

He took her out for Denny's. He knew she was more sad than sickly and he wanted her to be okay. He _needed_ her to be okay. Once they were seated, their waitress asked what drinks they'd like. 

``

“Just a water would be great,” Brooke said, smiling politely. 

``

“Sprite,” Rich said, winking. 

``

“What the _fuck_?” Brooke stared at him in disgust. “It's 9:30 in the fucking morning, Richard.”

``

“What can I say? I'm pure chaotic neutral, baby!” he said, shooting her finger guns. He nearly flinched when the action reminded him of his dream but he managed to compose himself. 

``

“Chaotic neutral, my ass,” Brooke scoffed, looking down at her menu. 

``

The waitress snorted at their exchange as she headed off to get their beverages. 

``

_`Brooke is not impressed with your humour, Richard. ` _

``

_You're just crabby that I decided to skip in favour of cheering her up,_ Rich retorted, though he didn't sound confident. Did she actually feel annoyed by him? She'd always seemed to share his sense of humour in the past...

``

“Do you know what you're leaning towards?” she asked, not looking up from her menu. He glanced down at his own—it was open to the page of entrées. 

``

“I was thinking a steak,” he said, cheekily. 

``

She looked up to meet his eyes solemnly. “I will not hesitate to strangle you, Rich, don't test me.”

``

He chortled and she cracked a grin. _See,_ he said triumphantly to his SQUIP, _she likes my jokes! She's making jokes too!_

``

_`Perhaps. ` _

``

_What does that—?_

``

_`Ask her about last night.` _

``

_What? Why?_

``

_`Do not question me, Richard.` _

``

“So,” he said casually, “did you hear the rumours?”

``

She hummed distractedly. “What rumours?”

``

“I heard,” he said, as though it would be a shock to her, “that last night, at that restaurant fight with Vexterminator, Sunshine accidentally revealed her secret identity.”

``

Brooke gasped and, if the SQUIP was telling the truth about her being Sunshine, he had to give it to her—she was a good actress. “ _So_? Who is she, then?”

``

“I don't know. It's only eyewitness accounts and shit, no one got a video or picture or _anything_!” 

``

“Oh. So, it might not even be true,” she concluded, logically. To be fair, she wasn't wrong. 

``

“But, like, there are ten different people all making the same claims!” he continued, gesticulating as he spoke. (His SQUIP told him that girls found it cute when boys were passionate.) “They all agree that she's blonde and was wearing a black dress and some fancy fucking brand of boots—”

``

Brooke's laughter cut him off. “Anyone can tell she's blonde and tons of girls could've worn a black dress and boots to a dinner at The Keg. Sorry, it's just pretty vague.”

``

“I guess...”

``

_`You see? She doesn't trust you.` _

``

_No,_ Rich said, _she's protecting her identity._

``

“Why d'you care so much, anyways?” she asked, bringing Rich back to the subject at hand. “What difference does it make, who she is under the mask?”

``

_Because I feel bad that I found out without your knowledge,_ he thought, as the SQUIP scoffed quietly, _and I want you to give me the information consensually so I can stop having this weight on my shoulders._

``

“I just wanna be able to know,” he said, instead. “I kinda idolize her, you know.” 

``

“Right... I guess that makes sense.” She hesitated, before adding, “I guess it just feels like an invasion of privacy or something? Like, they wear masks for a reason, right? So, trying to find out who they are feels kinda... I don't know.” 

``

_`She thinks you're a rumourmonger.` _

``

“I don't think you've done anything _wrong_ or—or that it's bad to _want_ to know!” Brooke said, rapidly. “I just think—I don't know—that you shouldn't seek it out? I don't know. Sorry, I shouldn't've said anything...”

``

Desperate to quell her semblant guilt, he replied just as quick, “No, no, it's okay—it's _good_. That's a really valid opinion and I hadn't really thought about it that way before. It's good to, like, take into consideration other opinions that may combat your beliefs and think critically about things.”

``

_`She feels the need to baby you.` _

``

_Shut up,_ he hissed, glancing angrily at his SQUIP. 

``

“You're literally the smartest person I know,” she said, smiling. 

``

_`Look at how she lies to you.` _

``

“Thanks, Brooke!” 

``

_She's not lying_. 

``

_`Oh, but she is. Do you really believe you are the smartest out of your friend group?` _

``

He could feel his smile wavering as he said, “Don't tell Jake, but... I think you're my best friend.”

``

Brooke's expression shifted; she appeared subdued. “Don't tell Chloe, but you're my best friend, too.”

``

_`More lies. ` _

``

Yeah... She didn't value his friendship over Chloe's. That was undeniably false—he didn't even need his SQUIP to confirm it. 

``

“I love you,” he said, solemnly. He really meant it. _I love you._

``

“I love you, too, Rich.” _`Counterfeit reciprocation.` _ “Seriously, you're my favourite person in the world.”

``

He nearly laughed aloud. What a blatant fib. “Really?” 

``

“Of _course_ , you are! You _know_ you are. I wouldn't lie to you.”

``

The SQUIP smirked and everything fell into place. 

``

She _did_ lie to him— _every day_ , she lied to his face—and now, she was lying _every sentence_. How could he believe a word she spoke? He loved her—he _loved_ her—yet, she would never love him back. 

``

His voice was monotone as he held back his tears. “I love you so much, B.”

``

Their eyes both returned to their menus. The SQUIP patted him on the back. His entire body was numb. 

``

_`Good job. ` _

``

``

After breakfast, as they were laying on a grassy hill, she rolled over to face him. He watched her eyes—they reminded him of the current fall weather, golden brown and dusky green—as they met his. They flitted down to his lips for a split second. He swallowed, mouth suddenly very dry. Was she...?

``

Before she could do anything more, electric currents ripped through his body. She gasped in alarm, sitting up and inching back as he flailed and shook violently. Wave after wave of voltage seared through him; he cursed his SQUIP fiercely. It was making him spasm and seize like some sort of _freak_! Brooke probably thought he was so pathetic. 

``

_`She already thinks that, Richard,` _the SQUIP reminded him. 

``

“Sorry, uh, I don't know wha— _shit_!” 

``

He was sitting upright now, gripping his head and glaring at his SQUIP. _Could you NOT?_ It just simpered at him. 

``

“I'm all right,” he said, forcing the words out. “I—I think—I'm not—”

``

_Very concise._

``

“ _I'm sorry_!” he blurted, eyes welling with tears. He felt horrible— _terrible_ —and he hated himself. “I'm not feeling great, I think I need to go home...”

``

_`She thinks you're pathetic. ` _

``

_Well... I guess I am._

``

``

He laid in bed the rest of the day. He didn't sleep, though, just stared up at the ceiling. He stared at the various scuffs and marks— _was that one a bug?_ —and listened as the AI in his head recited everything that was wrong with him. He rolled over. 

``

“I ruin everyone's lives,” he repeated, softly. “I'm terrible... I just hurt people...”

``

_`Precisely.` _

``

_I should just die..._

``

The SQUIP didn't refute his thought. 

``

``

The next day was largely the same—laying in bed, not moving, just staring into nothingness and hating himself. It was Jake's party, he knew, but he didn't want to go. The SQUIP said he needed to, though. He had nothing better to do. 

``

``

Hours went by. 

``

Sluggishly, 

``

he peeled himself from bed. 

``

He threw together a lazy costume. 

``

He walked all the way to Jake's house. 

``

Outwardly, the SQUIP forced him 

``

to smile 

``

and dance 

``

and mingle; 

``

inwardly, he felt himself shrinking, 

``

heart pounding, 

``

chest painfully tight, 

``

everything hurting...

``

The SQUIP wouldn't shut up. 

``

It talked of domination, 

``

of making everyone perfect and happy. 

``

But... 

``

it had never made _him_ happy...

``

``

After a swig of alcohol, 

``

he knew what he needed to do. 

``

``

_Do you have any Mountain Dew Red?_

``

_It's like regular Mountain Dew, but RED?_

``

_I NEED MOUNTAIN DEW RED!_

``

``

hopelessly, 

``

he found himself 

``

in the upstairs bedroom. 

``

gasoline can in one hand, 

``

match in the other,

``

he said a final prayer

``

to a god 

``

he didn't believe in.

``

``

_please_

``

_let my friends_

``

_not be_

``

_hurt_

``

_by me._

``

``

_amen._

``

``

and

``

he lit the match. 

``

``

_bang bang, you're done._

``

**Author's Note:**

> lol the very last line is from Son of a Gun bc I couldn't resist
> 
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH THANK YOU FOR READING!!!! I KNOW IT'S VERY VERY SAD BUT I MEAN spoiler IT ENDS UP HAPPY IN TWBS SO YOU SHOULD GO READ THAT TOO LOL
> 
> Ummm idk what notes I should note... 
> 
> Yes, I 100% believe Rich would've been a Potterhead before the SQUIP (his house is probably Gryffindor let's be real loooool)
> 
> Oh, the whole "her teeth were brighter than his future" and "her teeth could run for president" thing was a joke that was about my best friend Alyssa's teeth 😂 her friends at school from, like, three/four years ago made it and I stole it bc I find it hilarious lol
> 
> You'll notice throughout this fic, the SQUIP enforces Rich's depression and suicidal thoughts. That's because, first of all, in the actual musical it kinda does that, though Jeremy might not have depression it depends on your personal interpretation/headcanons, but secondly, bc this specific version of SQUIPs in the TWBS series are created specifically to be EVIL. In this world of superheroes and villains, these supercomputer pills were manufactured by villains, for the intention of being evil and killing off/taking control of the population. That's just their role in this alternate superpowered universe. So, while it may seem overkill/ooc for the musical SQUIP, that's bc it's meant to be loool
> 
> Thank you for much for reading!!! I hope you all enjoyed this fic!!!! Comments, bookmarks, and kudos make my day!!! ~Jayce
> 
> Will anyone read this fic? Probably not lol


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